It's rare when I wake up feeling completely refreshed. World War III breaks out every time that alarm clock jolts me to consciousness. "What will today bring? How will I deal? Why am I so tired? Why do I feel so defeated? I wonder if he texted me...No he didn't. How come? Why do I feel so disconnected from everyone? Why is it so quiet? Is the sun up? What on earth am I going to wear? I feel like barfing. Maybe I can call in sick? Will I get in trouble? Why do I feel so terrible? I don't feel pretty. I definitely don't look pretty. I hate my clothes. I hate my hair..." These thoughts completely consume me 24/7. TWENTY FOUR SEVEN, PEOPLE. I think the question I ask myself most is "Am I crazy?"
The answer is no. (I think I'm just slightly moody, prone to depression & maybe a little edgy, self righteous, & judgemental. No big deal.)
This morning was different though. I woke up feeling well-rested, renewed, peaceful, & ready to take on anything. The truth looked me square in the face this morning and I decided to shake it's hand and let go. Life is not about being in control of everything. It's not about making people like you, forcing friends to hang out with you, guilt-tripping others into caring about you. It's not about looking put together every day or saying all the right things to that cute stranger who struck up a conversation with you. It's not about eating perfectly-portioned meals or working out until your butt looks "just right." It isn't about having expensive hair products, expensive shoes, expensive cars, expensive whatever. My mind has been so cluttered with thoughts of how things SHOULD be that I forgot to care about how things ARE. I've become numb to what I actually have to work with, which is alot.
I have a family who supports me more than I've ever dreamed of. I have girlfriends who make me feel better about myself than I ever will. I have guy friends who tell me I look pretty more than a boyfriend ever has. I have a job I love that allows me to be creative, learn new things, & feel more empowered than I ever have. I am healthy. I am able. & I am surely willing to make something of this life that I've been given.
I woke up this morning with different thoughts than the night before. I woke up thinking this...
This is my one shot. To create a beautiful, fulfilling, exciting, adventure-filled life. I'm not going to achieve that life sitting around sulking about all the things that I wish I had. I may not have everything figured out but I have people in my life that care about me. They tell me. They show me. The rest will come. It will surely come.
In conclusion, I'm finished. Finished with the guilt. Finished with the dark thoughts, the self loathing, the grudges & the wounds. From now on it's up, up, up.
And I challenge you to challenge yourself to look at your world a little different. A little soul searching never hurt anyone.
Catch me if you can...